


Are We Self Destructive?

by Anonymous



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Choking, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Past Rape/Non-con, because these kids are idiots, but not really?, i just wish they were happy, they talk about things, which is consensual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 05:49:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17218187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It’s just two messed up boys attempting to be less messed up together. That’s all. Hopefully they end up helping each other more than hurting.





	Are We Self Destructive?

Yusuke couldn’t breathe, even if he had wanted to. Yet his hands stayed in his lap, obedient, waiting as always. One hand clenched around a pencil, the other gripped a sketchbook as he lifted his dull eyes to the reddish ones of the boy holding him. The hand around his throat tightened for a moment longer before letting go and he gasped, breathing deeply. His face was flushed from the lack of air and his skin was red where his throat had been held.

 

Akechi watched him passively, noting little details he’d normally pay little to no mind to. It wasn’t unusual for Kitagawa to sit as still as he could with his gloved hands around his throat. But the way his eyes lingered …. How he seemed to anticipate every time his precious airflow was cut off …. How he  _ welcomed _ it, even. It made Akechi narrow his eyes and grab Yusuke’s jaw.

 

“ Well, well. I’d heard rumors you were a pervert, Kitagawa. But do you  _ really _ enjoy this? . . . Oh, you do, don’t you? My goodness. “

 

A gloved hand tilted his head up towards the light, sneering in disgust. Yusuke pulled his head away, scowling as he rubbed at his throat.

 

Akechi wanted to laugh at his misplaced defensiveness. He’s always so willing to go through these things but not talk about them.

 

“ That’s not it! Stop looking at me like that, it’s nothing more than a term of our agreement. You agreed to it and never seem to have second thoughts - “

 

Yusuke paused, to gather his thoughts, or perhaps to catch more breath. 

 

Ah, their agreement, of course …. The detective really wondered …. That couldn’t have been the only reason this boy answered his every call. Dull russet eyes glared at the boy underneath him, rolling his hand in a ‘hurry up and get on with it’ motion.

 

“ . . . You called me here. This is . . . your apartment. You were upset when you called and I said I was free to come with you. But you’ve yet to actually speak on what’s really wrong - “

 

He was interrupted with a hand grabbing his throat with enough force to bruise and make him cough.

 

Akechi’s eyes were narrowed in a retaliatory disgust. As always, with Kitagawa, he’d react with anger and hate when faced with something he didn’t want to or didn’t know how to answer. He  _ could  _ react in such ways without having to worry about how it looked, without worrying if it didn’t fit his made persona. He didn’t have to hide behind a mask of pleasantries like he did day in and day out, no. He squeezed his hand tighter and he had no reason at all to deny that he enjoyed the sound it pulled from the other.

 

“ That’s  _ none of your fucking business,  _ Kitagawa! “

 

Yusuke grabbed at the hand on his throat and it loosened almost immediately, though it didn’t fall. He could breathe if he did it slowly ….

 

Goro didn’t have to loosen his grip but the fact that Kitagawa trusted he would …. It wasn’t a burning wrath that he felt radiating through his body. It was something cool and almost calming …. Something he didn’t want to put a name to. Or more precisely, on his own, he was sure he couldn’t put a name to it. So here this artist was, invited to his apartment to help him puzzle out this case.

 

“   _ You  _ called me here - you had a reason for it, and it is not rude nor imposing to ask what that reason is. “

 

Akechi stared down at him passively before running his thumb across his pale and slowly reddening throat, over his adam’s apple, before squeezing lightly. Yusuke stopped moving, just gazing up, trying to get a good look into the detective’s eyes. He never did know what he’d find, always a kaleidoscope of emotions, many never given the chance to take purchase before they twisted into something else entirely.

 

Kitagawa went still, dark eyes looking up at him, not with fear, but with idle curiosity. How could one person be so trusting of someone like him? How, especially when they knew the kinds of things he did, things he got himself into. He didn’t have the public’s excuse of thinking he was an icon. Kitagawa knew far better than that. He knew what types of thoughts really ran through the detective’s head. The corner of Akechi’s mouth lifted in a smirk after a few moments. A sharp, poisonous thing, meant to scare with the words that accompanied it. There was nothing princely about it.

 

“ What if . . . I called you here to finally kill you? What would you do then, Kitagawa? I wonder if you’d fight back at all? Even tell me to stop? Judging by that perverse look in your eyes? You wouldn’t care. If I brought you into my apartment to take your life you’d give it up without a fight. You really disgust me sometimes, do you know that? “

 

Yusuke only glared at Akechi with that flat, emotionless, almost bored look he wore most times of late. He shook his head slowly, eyes searching the face of the young man above him. A defensive display of hate and disgust. He didn’t really mean the words he was saying, the artist was confident in that and continued to look up at him, not a trace of fear in his body.

 

Ah, but of course. Kitagawa never did scare easily, did he?

 

“ You don’t really wish to kill your only friend - “

 

Again the leather-clad hand tightened around Yusuke’s throat, a weak gasp the only reaction he gave.

 

This time is  _ was  _ anger, hot and bubbly, drawn to the surface to refute a claim he didn’t want to admit even had the potential to be true. They weren’t  _ friends,  _ they couldn’t be. He’d sooner kill this boy and leave himself alone, devoid of these infuriating distractions, than admit that Kitagawa  _ was  _ the first one in …. years that’s seen even a piece of who Akechi Goro really was without being sent to the hospital or the morgue soon after.

 

“ You aren’t my fucking  _ friend _ ! Don’t you  _ dare _ think so highly of yourself! You’re just an outlet for my anger! Nothing more than an idiotic boy who saw something he shouldn’t have, who thought it’d be smart to offer himself up as some sort of punching bag. What a  _ waste _ of such a  _ pretty _ face. “

 

Yusuke gasped again, pulling at Akechi’s hand. He  _ knew  _ the detective didn’t mean all those things. If they weren’t friends then this arrangement of theirs would have been cut off days, weeks ago. Probably with his own death if he were being perfectly honest. The fact that he was alive still …. He knew it meant Akechi felt a sort of friendship between them.

 

Akechi scoffed, staring down at the artist, watching his eyelids flutter before loosening his hold on the boy’s throat. Kitagawa coughed, a cold hand wrapping around the detective’s wrist. It was only for a moment but something quick and almost protective rose to the surface of his roiling emotions, a river rushing over the lava that had erupted, cooling it and giving it solid form. Something steady, even if it only lasted a few moments.

 

“ I really do . . . beg to differ. Have you ever put thought into why it is that you have no friends? If you want to treat people like this, it’s not hard to imagine why at all - ! “

 

Yusuke coughed, both his hands coming up to Akechi’s wrist now.

 

Akechi growled, squeezing the artist’s throat again. Ah, but cooling lava too fast forms obsidian. Smooth, slippery, sharp, and black. Another form his anger could take to chip away at Kitagawa’s seemingly endless supply of patience and goodwill, at whatever the hell it was that kept him coming back. That kept him reaching out and trying to take Akechi’s anger away. His hatred.

 

“  Oh, you’re real smartass, aren’t you? Why do you  _ think _ you’re my friend? I suffocate you for no other reason than the fact that it pleases me to watch you suffer so. Why would you  _ want  _ to be my friend? Are you  _ that _ fucking stupid? I’m almost disappointed in you, Kitagawa, though anyone close to  _ him  _ could hardly be spectacular, I suppose . . . “

 

Yusuke only gripped Akechi’s wrist tighter for a moment before he fell forward onto Akechi. 

 

This time it wasn’t a quick, rushing river of that protective feeling. It was a flash flood, noticeable concern in the detective’s features as he shook the blue haired boy in his arms. Why did he care? Wasn’t this the point of their agreement? To hurt him time and time again? He only had to take it too far one time ….

 

“ Kitagawa? . . . Yusuke! “

 

Yusuke sat up slowly, his body shaking as he got a steady supply of oxygen for more than a couple minutes at a time. He felt a little lightheaded, sighing out.

 

Why was he so worried, so relieved? Yusuke had only fainted, that was all. He was fine, still breathing.

 

“ I am alright. There’s no need to look so  _ worried _ , Akechi-kun. I thought I wasn’t your friend? That you came here to kill me? You seem awfully concerned for my well being to want me dead so passionately - “

 

He tried a smile, coughing when he felt like attempting a laugh instead.

 

Akechi groaned, pushing Yusuke until he fell on the floor with a loud thud.

 

“ Oww - “

 

Yusuke rubbed at his head, laying on the floor for a moment. What was that even for?

 

Akechi snorted, looking at Yusuke in confusion. This boy really was something else ….

 

“ Of all things, you tell me  _ that  _ hurt? You just fainted. I had my hand on your throat for an hour and the only thing you react in pain to is falling on your ass? “

 

Yusuke took one last deep breath without coughing, his eyes meeting Akechi’s as soon as he lifted his head over the edge of the couch.

 

Faint panting was heard from the pile on the floor, a head of blue hair poking up as he righted himself, sitting back on the edge of the couch. Another soft feeling flowed around Akechi, made itself known with an ache somewhere near the center of his chest. Damn this kid, making him feel this way ….

 

“ You were angry, that’s easy to deal with. I cannot help my body’s natural reaction to a lack of air, regardless of how much I say you can do it. “

 

Yusuke spoke as if that should be obvious by now. How long had they been at this? He didn’t even feel the need to say that he  _ wanted _ Akechi to hurt him that way.

 

A loud sigh was heard as a gloved hand lifted the artist’s face, examining it before looking him up and down. Kitagawa shifted a few times, frowning at Akechi.

 

“  What are you looking at like that? I said I’m fine - “

 

He was used to anger and disgust making their home in russet eyes. This searching curiosity, some unspoken question, some emotions he couldn’t place, it threw Yusuke off. What was Akechi thinking?

 

Akechi let him go, a laugh on his lips as his hand slid back around Kitagawa’s throat. He could make a joke now that he wasn’t scared he’d made a crucial mistake.

 

“ Oh, that you are. You aren’t dying and you still aren’t really my friend. Does it sound like we’re on the same page, Kitagawa? “

 

Yusuke shook his head, narrowing his eyes.

 

Akechi knew that look well, this boy was so serious and straight to the point when he looked like that.

 

“ You can be so stubborn. It is a  _ fact _ , not wishful thinking, that we are friends. I’m only waiting for you to stop beating around the bush and tell me why you really wanted to see me. “

 

Yusuke couldn’t help frowning. He didn’t want to demand an answer but he did want to know just what Akechi wanted, what he needed, that he invited him into his apartment for the first time.

 

Akechi’s thumb traced the length of Yusuke’s throat as he thought in silence for a bit. Yusuke wasn’t one to interrupt a good silent stretch with meaningless conversation, a feat he started to appreciate more and more as they continued to meet up. Why  _ had  _ he called the artist over? Every other time they chose to ‘ hang out ‘ was in public, leaving to Yusuke’s dorm if Akechi really felt like hurting someone, like releasing his frustrations. He sighed, Yusuke’s silvery eyes lifting to his, looking at his face, maybe trying to read his expression.

 

What did he see there? An empty, dull reflection? The front of ‘ kindness ‘ he put up? The anger that shone through sometimes? Or maybe he could just see right through Akechi, to the things he didn’t want to say out loud quite yet. All the way to the reasons why he cared if he pushed Yusuke too far in this agreement of theirs.

 

  * ~•~•~•~•



 

Had he been lucky or just cursed yet again to have been found in that alleyway almost two months ago, blood on his fist, unbridled fury in his almost red eyes. Some would-be rapists passed out underneath him, their target long gone as he told her to run as far as she could. His oversized hood and a mask over his mouth kept anyone from recognizing him but Yusuke was observant; had the light flashed just enough across Akechi’s upturned face that Yusuke realized it was the famous detective who’d been dragging him and his teammate’s collective names through the mud lately? Yet regardless that he recognized him, he didn’t look on in disgust nor reach for his phone to notify the police out of shock. The artist just moved to grab Akechi’s hand, pulling him away from the criminals who had probably deserved what they got, but that didn’t matter.

 

“ What unbecoming behavior for such an outstanding detective as yourself. You really should know better . And you do know that yourself. “

 

Akechi had pushed him away with a disparaging grin, pulling his glove back on.

 

“ And what of it? Are you going to go to the  _ police _ ? Do you really think that they would believe you? Or even do anything if they did know? “

 

Surprisingly, the boy with blue hair shook his head no, and offered his hand.

 

“ I won’t. I suppose I’d like to make you a deal right now, to help keep you out of situations like these in the future. You of all people should know this is no way to deal with criminals, regardless of how much they do deserve it. And the consequences to your job should you ever be caught would be disastrous. Your image as the detective prince would be ruined. “ 

 

Akechi’s expression was now one of pure confusion. Just where the hell was this kid going with this tirade? 

 

“ Your point is taken. But I don’t understand what any of that has to do with  _ you _ . You should really be on your way now, just pretend that you didn’t see a thing. “  

 

The voice the detective used was one he put out to convince people to do what he said, to lead them along. Combined with his calming smile, or a thoughtful comment here and there, it was almost scary the things he could do.

 

The boy only shook his head, looking down at the blood that had smeared across his hand when he reached for the detective. 

 

“ Why do you take your anger out on them? Does that really make you feel better? This is so far below you. I said I’d offer you a deal . . . What if I said you could release your frustrations out on me anytime you wanted to? “ 

 

Akechi’s eyes widened for a moment. Was this kid really serious? Was he that stupid? Did he even understand what he was saying? Ah, but of course he did. His tone was unaffected by any detectable emotion, his expression open and blank. 

 

“ I’m sorry,  _ what? _ Are you really that fucking dumb? You don’t even know me. What a joke. Like I said, kid. Run along, act like you didn’t see a thing. That’d be the best thing for you right now. “

 

But he didn’t turn and walk away, no. He grabbed the detective’s arm, brows drawn together. 

 

“ I am not joking. I said exactly what I meant. If you’re so angry that you feel the need to take it out on other people, you can take it out on me. I’m agreeing to this, so there’s no way you can get into trouble even if you get caught, correct? Or would you rather continue to walk the streets at night, hoping to run into unsuspecting criminals you can beat down? You might pick the wrong fight one night, and what a shame it would be for the great detective prince to fall victim to the very crimes he claims to fight. “

 

Akechi just stared at the blue haired boy in shock before bursting out into a fit of laughter. 

 

“ You know what? Okay. Fine. I’ll accept the terms of this . . . ‘deal’ of yours. I don’t know what you think you’re doing here but there’s no taking this back. You’ll regret that even more than suggesting such a ridiculous thing. “ 

 

The detective warned, pulling a small notebook out of his overcoat, writing something down before tearing the page out and passing it to the boy. He took the paper, reading it over with a nod. Then he offered his hand again, showing the blood that had came from his own.

 

“ Please, at least come back to my dorm and clean yourself up a bit. It might also give you the time to decide the terms of our agreement. “ 

 

The detective scrutinized the boy in front of him, eyes narrowed in distrust. 

 

“ To your dorm? At this hour? I might as well stay the night. “ 

 

He said that as a joke but the boy tilted his head, nodding. 

 

“ Okay. Please, just excuse any mess you see. “

 

A nearly completely silent walk back to the Kosei dorms was something to be truly thankful for. Akechi didn’t even know what to start to think about a situation like this, much less how to make small talk during or about it. Turns out the boy was an artist, one going to the same school he did. His name was Yusuke Kitagawa, a second year, not that Akechi could say he already knew that, now that he’d had a moment to really look at him. He followed that black haired attic dweller around.

 

Yusuke unlocked his room, letting the detective in and it took Akechi a moment to wonder what mess he had meant earlier. The dorms had a main open room with a smaller room and a bathroom off to the side. His room was orderly and neat, like he spent a good amount of time actually cleaning unlike most of the student body.

 

The artist had grabbed him and dragged him to the bathroom where he scrubbed the blood off of Akechi’s hands as well as his own, even taking the time to hand wash out Akechi’s gloves, setting them aside to dry. Yusuke cleaned his cuts with alcohol and bandaged Akechi’s knuckles. The whole time the detective just wondered …. Why? 

 

“ What are you doing all of that for? You just offered to be some sort of personal punching bag if I’m remembering correctly and you’re sitting here, washing the blood off of my hands? Does the irony in such a thing escape you? “

 

Akechi snickered, stepping back to get a good look at Yusuke.

 

“ You really don’t even look like the kind of person who can take a hit or two, much less a beating. What do you get out of something like this? A deal should benefit both sides yet I’m seeing no actual benefit for you. Of course that won’t make me  _ not _ accept the offer now . . . let’s just say I’m quite curious. “

 

“ If it helps you, then for now that’s more than enough. I have no reason for making the offer besides that. It doesn’t  _ make _ sense, it won’t to you, but you don’t need to know much more than that, do you? Not since you already accepted. In regards to your observation, I’ve been told that I’m a lot tougher than I look. What did you plan on doing? “  

 

Slate colored eyes weren’t scared, maybe a bit nervous but that was it.

 

Akechi raised his hand and the artist didn’t flinch but his eyes trained on that hand, followed it as it landed on his shoulder. Then he looked back at Akechi as his hand moved to his throat.

 

“ If I hit you, you’ll bruise much too easy, won’t you? So many questions I’d rather not have to answer. Kitagawa. How long can you hold your breath, I wonder? “ 

 

It only took a moment for realization to flash in his grey eyes before he answered.

 

“ For just under a minute. “ 

 

At that, the ‘pleasant’ detective’s mouth lifted into a sadistic smirk.

 

“ And how would you like to beat that time? I’ll even set a stopwatch for you. You see, you’re offering up quite a lot here, it could be fun. But I don’t need you getting scared and perhaps changing your mind about telling someone about me and what you saw. If you aren’t scared of me afterwards, for whatever reason, then I really will take you up on your offer. Think of it as a last chance to back out. I still think you’re an idiot for doing this but if you don’t change your mind, there’s nothing I can do about it. I do hate lingering along such filthy places anyways. “

 

Yusuke pulled his own phone out of his pocket, setting it on the sink next to them.

 

“ Set it and do your  _ worst _ . I’m not taking back what I said. “

 

It was almost a challenge, the way he held his head up, looking Akechi right in the eyes. The detective just shook his head, starting the timer before tightening his grip around the boy’s throat. He glared at Yusuke like the fool he thought he was for agreeing to something like this, pushing him against the wall, digging his fingers further into pale skin.

 

Despite not being able to breathe, being looked at like he didn’t  _ deserve  _ to, Yusuke wouldn’t say he was afraid. After around forty seconds, his own hand came up to rest on Akechi’s arm, to which he got no reaction but a snort.

 

“ Not at all. It’s barely even been a minute. Perhaps I’ll skip the stress relief part and just kill you right now. Wouldn’t that be exactly what you deserve for making such a  _ stupid _ agreement? “ 

 

And Akechi truly looked like he wouldn’t care about strangling the artist to death, a plainly amused look in his eyes as he watched the boy’s eyelids flutter, watched his pale hand tighten around the arm depriving him of air.

 

“  _  Akechi - “ _

 

The detective looked over at the timer, laughing as he turned back to the boy in his grip.

 

“ You wanted to let me release my frustrations, right? Well I want to see how long it’ll take you to die. Just like this. “ 

 

And he lifted his other hand, not letting the boy go until he felt the hand on his arm go limp. A moment later, when he saw Yusuke’s eyes flutter closed he stepped back, stopping the timer and letting Yusuke slide down the wall, coughing out and rubbing at his throat. Then he clapped mockingly, showing Yusuke his phone screen. 

 

“ Just shy of two minutes. You didn’t struggle very much . . . That’s a natural reaction to being strangled, no matter how much you expect it . . . You’re so weird. Are you alright? “

 

The artist twisted his neck, taking a few deep breaths before coughing again. One thing that he felt clear as day? Akechi didn’t really want to kill him. To scare him, yes. But even that hadn’t worked as he got back to his feet, staring at him passively. “ So I’ve been told . . . What about your answer? Do you think I’ll run off and tell everyone that you want to kill me? Do you think I’m so scared that I can’t handle this? “

 

Akechi just stared at Yusuke before chuckling, which turned into a full blown fit of laughter that had him holding his stomach. 

 

“ What a piece of work! No, no I don’t think that, either of those things. But is this it? Should I type up a formal contract while I’m at the office tomorrow? Or should I just say it in words? I’ll take you up on your little offer as often as you’ll let me. Just keep your word and don’t let the authorities, or any of your friends, know. That would defeat the whole purpose, right? “

 

Yusuke grabbed his phone and left the bathroom, heading over to the small room he used as a studio/storage room of sorts.

 

“ I texted the number you left me. Feel free to call and I’ll tell you if I’m free or not. Just know that if I hear of any more people being found beaten in alleys by a boy with a red hospital mask, our deal is off and I’ll be sure to let the police know just who their culprit is. Sound fair enough? “ 

 

The words were called across the dorm room, leaving Akechi to think on the words by himself.

 

“ So be it. If you call yourself generous enough to give me such an . . . opportunity, then I’ll let you know that I’m selfish enough to take every bit of it. Don’t go and disappoint me by chickening out, Kitagawa. “ 

 

Those were the last words spoken between them as Akechi went to shower and Yusuke stayed up to work on a project.

 

  * ~•~•~•~•



 

He was brought back to the present by Yusuke clearing his throat.

 

“ You’re lost in your thoughts. And I cannot draw while you’re holding me like this. Have you finally come up with an answer as to why I’m here? You’ve never let me in your apartment before, Akechi-kun. “

 

Akechi grunted, leaning closer to the artist.

 

“ An answer as to why you’re here? . . . To test just how much you’ll let me take from you. Why do you do that? You never did explain just why you let me do this. If I  _ demand _ an answer, would you give it? “

 

Bluish eyes widened just a bit before he shook his head.

 

“ No. You’re not a stupid boy, I’m sure you’ll figure it out given enough time. You are a star detective, after all. I told you, if I’m helping you by letting you do this, then it’s fine. I don’t need any more reason than that and it’s that simple. I don’t have an ulterior motive here. It’s not as if I’ve been recording these sessions, trying to frame you for something. “

 

That only made Akechi sigh loudly, rolling his eyes.

 

“ To help me? You’d let me take away the very air you need to live just to ‘help’ me? I really did get caught up with an idiot of a boy. That’s no answer, and  _ damn _ you for thinking that way. “ 

 

It wasn’t in anger that he tightened his hand around Yusuke’s throat that time, but simply to garner a reaction. And his reaction was a cold hand tightening around his wrist the same way.

 

“ Let me go. You gave me permission to do this, remember? I hope you caught your breath while I was thinking. I believe I want to watch you struggle to breathe just a bit more. “

 

Yusuke’s hand fell back to his lap as Akechi cut off his airflow yet again.

 

“ I don’t, fight back. You said so yourself - “ 

 

Akechi shook his head, lifting his other hand to Yusuke’s throat as well, digging his thumb into the base of his throat, feeling how it made the boy swallow, silvery eyes narrowing.

 

“ Pervert. Maybe that’s why you let me do this. Do you . . .  _ get off _ on it? Is that it? “

 

Yusuke frowned, hitting Akechi squarely in the chest, making him laugh out. 

 

“ Right, right, ‘don’t call you that.’ I know, I know. But I’m fishing for answers here. “ 

 

Yusuke’s eyes fluttered, a sign that it was almost time to let him go. But no, that wasn’t his plan this time. Instead he leaned closer to the blue haired boy, looking in his eyes, tilting his head before kissing him.

 

A muffled, surprised sound left the boy under him and it brought a smirk to his lips before he pressed closer, running his tongue over soft, slightly chapped lips. Another softer sound left Yusuke but Akechi didn’t let up on his grip, waiting for the boy to part his lips before he let one of his hands run through blue strands. He wondered what was going through Yusuke’s head, not being able to breathe at all while being kissed.

 

It only took a moment before Yusuke pressed back against him, albeit weakly. A sound almost like a whimper made its way to Akechi’s ears but he didn’t let go. Not until Yusuke fell back against the couch, a finger beneath his nose confirming that he was indeed breathing. Akechi’s brows rose as he lifted Yusuke up by his shoulders. 

 

“ Are you dead? Is anyone there? “

 

His answer was a nod and the corner of the detective’s mouth turned up. 

 

“ The whole time, that’s all I had to do? One measly little kiss? Good to know now, after the fact. Are you . . . are you actually blushing? I truly never thought I’d see the day - “

 

Yusuke’s eyes finally opened and he glared at Akechi, pressing a hand to his own chest.

 

“ You kissed me, how am I  _ supposed _ to react to that, detective? “ 

 

“ You kissed me back. That’s enough of a reaction on it’s own, which means I was right. You like this. Our . . . ‘arrangement.’ You know, that’s kind of kinky, you actually enjoying it like that? “ 

 

He couldn’t not poke fun at Yusuke, seeing his nose twitch in irritation was more than enough to make it worth it.

 

“ Oh,  _ bequiet.  _ That isn’t it, how obtuse can you pretend to be? “ 

 

He folded his arms across his chest, his bottom lip sticking out in a pout.

 

“ Pretend? Who’s pretending? Do you mean to say you  _ actually  _ like  _ me _ ? Not just this . . . thing we have set up? “ 

 

He chuckled while saying the words, watching Yusuke’s expression. His pout became more pronounced, huffing as he tried to push Akechi’s arms off of him. 

 

“ Hey. Hey, stop that! Kitagawa - Oh my god, Yusuke please stop being so childish - “

 

He was trying to shrink out of the brunette’s grasp, twisting around until he was pushed flat on his back, pinned by his shoulders.

 

“ Yusuke. Stop overreacting. I’ll ask more seriously if you want. Is that true? Do you really like me? “ 

 

This time he asked with no hint of sarcasm in his voice, that mocking smile now out of sight. And after several moments of dead silence Yusuke nodded once, not saying a word. For another long moment all Akechi did was stare down at him. Then his face fell into a frown as he ran a hand down his face, pinching the bridge of his nose.

 

That wasn’t the answer he was supposed to get. He was supposed to get a no so he could disregard the tight feeling that was growing in his chest. Why did Yusuke say he liked him? That only made him more confused, it didn’t put him any closer to the answer he invited Yusuke over to get.

 

“ No you  _ don’t _ . Don’t say that. How many times do I have to tell you? I’m not nice like you are, offering up your free time and well-being to make someone else happy. I’m selfish, Kitagawa. I’ll take anything you’re willing to give and then more. Maybe one day you won’t have anything left to give. And you know what? It won’t hurt me at all. Do you understand? “

 

“ I know full well how you claim to be. The fact still remains that I’m your friend. You’ve been doing this for nearly two months and haven’t killed nor scared me off, as much as you threaten to do. So I do. Like you, that is. It took you look enough to figure it out . . . That’s part of the reason I don’t particularly mind what you do to me. “

 

Such a serious look was on the artist’s face it was impossible not to listen to his words, no matter how idiotic the detective found them. 

 

“ You can’t just  _ say  _ things like that to people, Kitagawa. You’re so . . . fucking mindless with the words that come out of your mouth sometimes. “ 

 

Akechi grabbed his throat again, running his fingers over light marks that looked like more forming bruises.

 

“ You don’t  _ mind _ what I do to you? I suppose that’s not surprising at all, but why do you think that way?  _ What  _  about me makes you feel that way? Is it just that you like being abused? Is that it? But then that raises even more questions, Kitagawa. Why? I don’t understand you . . . But you want me to take even more than I have already, don’t you? “

 

Yusuke couldn’t answer any of Akechi’s questions. His words stuck in his throat, freezing around a confession he found he couldn’t make, not yet, not right then. His mouth opened but no words came out and Akechi’s eyes narrowed.

 

“ That’s a question that warrants an answer, Kitagawa. Am I going to get one? “ 

 

Yusuke tried to speak again before shaking his head no.

 

“ . . . I can’t answer that. I don’t owe you any answers either, so you can’t make me. “

 

Akechi’s expression darkened with anger, his fingers digging into Yusuke’s skin. 

 

“ You don’t owe me any answers? But I suppose I owe you some, huh? Well two can play that game, Kitagawa. I can’t answer your questions until you answer mine. You want to know why I asked you over? Then tell me what you really want from me. Tell me what the hell it is you get out of our arrangement. Tell me  _ why _ you let me do this. And I want a real answer this time. “

 

Yusuke only blinked in surprise, again shaking his head no.

 

“ I told you I  _ can’t _ . The answer I gave you is the only one I have right now, I’m not - I’m not lying about that. I want to help you, and if this is a way to do it, then I’m okay with that. I don’t care if I get a little hurt helping you. What else do you want me to say? Akechi-kun. What is it you want to hear from me? “ 

 

Yusuke’s eyes were narrowed, a vulnerability in those dark depths Akechi had noticed lately, whenever he poked at the topic of just why they were here, like this.

 

“ You are a  **_liar_ ** , Kitagawa Yusuke. For someone who puts out such an open personality, who lets themself be so easy to read, you’re such a  _ fucking liar _ . “ 

 

Akechi squoze Yusuke’s throat until the boy was gasping for air, pressing him further into the couch before letting him breathe. 

 

“ You’re okay with anything I do to you. That’s more than obvious to me. But you can’t even tell me  _ why _ when you _ know!  _ “

 

Akechi let his left hand cup Yusuke’s cheek, let his fingers trace the side of his face, a gesture that could be considered loving if it wasn’t for the furious look in the detective’s eyes. Yusuke looked off to the side, tilting his head until he was looking away from Akechi. His gloved hand slid back into Yusuke’s hair, running through the slightly curled strands before tightening, yanking his head back so they were facing each other. Yusuke cried out, his eyes immediately finding russet ones, a questioning look directed at the boy above him. 

 

“  _ What -  _ “

 

His hair was yanked again, the hand on his throat cutting off his words. 

 

“  _ Shut up _ . You don’t get to question me now. I gave you the chance to answer me but you didn’t want to. I could literally  _ kill _ you whenever I felt like it and you’d  _ lie _ to my face? You’ve got some fucking nerve, Kitagawa. For wanting to  _ help  _ with my anger, you’ve got a real knack for setting it off. “

 

Akechi loosed his grip on Yusuke’s throat, hovering over him with a scowl. 

 

“ I can’t tell you enough that you’re too selfless. It’s a fault that’s going to end up as your downfall one day. You’re a fool of a boy who feels too much for someone like me. And I’ll make you admit it. That’s what you want, isn’t it? I should be able to come to a conclusion on my own being a detective, right? It should be obvious, I shouldn’t need you to spell everything out. “ 

 

He tugged at Yusuke’s hair, demanding an answer, a reaction, to which he got none. Defiantly, Yusuke stared up at Akechi in silence until his head was yanked to the side, warm lips pressing to his neck. He gasped, letting the other boy do as he pleased, even going as far as to lean his head further to the side after several moments.

 

Akechi kissed the bruises his hands left on pale skin, wondering  _ how  _ Yusuke could be okay with this. It wasn’t like they’d been doing it in a sexual context. He literally let Akechi hurt him for no reason other than he felt like it. What did this awkward, beautiful,  _ tortured _ artist go through to think this was  _ okay? _ To welcome it? Even thinking about it made him  _ angrier. _ No, it made him fucking  _ furious  _ that someone made him this way, so willing to give up anything he had for someone else. Willing to  _ hurt  _ himself for someone he cared about. Willing to give up everything, even to someone who’d give him nothing in return. To someone who could never give back with the same intensity.

 

“ You want me to take everything you have to offer. Or rather, if I chose to, you wouldn’t stop me. I’m not  _ stupid,  _ Kitagawa, I’m no fool. I can  _ see _ the way you look at me. “

 

He let his lips travel up Yusuke’s neck, kissing under his jaw, letting his teeth dig into the skin there until he heard another gasp, felt a hand grasping his shirt. 

 

“ I - “  

 

Akechi lifted his head, letting his hand tighten around Yusuke’s neck. 

 

“ Don’t speak. It’s too late to try and explain, I gave you that chance. You’re the kind of idiot who needs to be shown these kind of things, aren’t you? You won’t admit to anything until the proof is laying right in your face. “

 

He leaned down, pressing his lips to Yusuke’s, kissing him, choking him until he saw his eyelids flutter before letting him go. He let his fingers smooth over Yusuke’s throat, watching as his eyes closed, as a shudder went through his body. Akechi used that same hand to run down the boy’s chest, to slip under the edge of his sweater before resting over his heart. 

 

“ Why do you ‘like’ someone like me? You know I couldn’t return those feelings. The most I’d do is use you and leave you bruised, wishing for something more. I  _ can’t  _ offer you anything in return for your feelings. Yet you don’t care. If that’s what I want to do to you, that’s what you’ll accept. “

 

Akechi let his nails lightly drag over and across Yusuke’s chest, down his stomach, hovering at the zipper to his pants. Yusuke bit at his lip, holding his breath, a shiver running down his arms. 

 

“ If that’s all that I have to  _ give _ then that’s what you  _ want _ . Open your eyes and look at me. “ 

 

Stormy grey eyes opened slowly, looking up at Akechi, a question waiting there, one he didn’t voice. 

 

“ You aren’t going to hide away. You want me to come to all these conclusions on my own? Then I want to see your expression when I give you your answer. Why I brought you over here. “

 

Akechi brushed his hand over the front of Yusuke’s pants, squeezing the bulge there until he heard the boy’s breath catch. Akechi chuckled, shaking his head as he leant back down to kiss Yusuke. This one was all demanding, teeth biting, nipping until he tasted blood. Yusuke let out a low whimper under him, his hips lifting to meet Akechi’s hand. He ran his tongue over the cut he made, moving the hand between Yusuke’s legs until the boy was panting, taking the opportunity to slide his tongue into his mouth. How did he always manage to be so cold? It was almost unnatural if he thought about it but it was hardly unwelcome, no, quite the opposite actually.

 

Even though it was obvious Yusuke was rather inexperienced at this, Akechi almost wanted to give him credit for trying to keep up, eventually settling for following Akechi’s lead, pushing forward whenever Akechi pulled back, twisting his tongue whenever Akechi pressed against it with his own. Akechi pulled away, narrowing his eyes. Yusuke looked at him for a split second before gazing off to the side, his breath coming in short pants. Why wouldn’t Yusuke look at him?  Why wouldn’t he voice what the detective could see in those quick glances? Why did it upset Akechi so much?

 

“ You aren’t looking at me. Isn’t it too late to try and avoid things? “ 

 

Yusuke was quiet for a moment before he sighed, shaking his head. 

 

“ Not avoiding . . . I am not avoiding anything. There is nothing to see, looking at you. Isn’t that what you said? You don’t like me in the same way I like you. So why should I look for something that I will not find? “ 

 

A matter of fact tone, dark grey eyes meeting lighter russet ones.

 

The way he spoke, how he looked at Akechi …. It only pissed him off more because Yusuke  _ refused _ to look at how fucked up the situation he was in actually was. 

 

“ I don’t like you but it’s still okay that I’m doing this? “ 

 

Akechi rolled his eyes, pulling his hands away from Yusuke’s body, glaring down at the artist until he shivered, shifting around with a confused expression.

 

“ Isn’t it? Isn’t it what you want to do? I can’t say it any other way, any plainer than I already have. You’re free to do whatever you want to me if it makes you feel better. “

 

Akechi made a growling sound, pinning Yusuke to the couch by his throat. Reddish eyes were purposely devoid of any emotion save disgust, like the boy in his grasp was nothing better than trash. 

 

“ You keep saying that shit. Shut the hell up. If that’s all you can say then I don’t want to hear your mouth at all. There’s only one thing I want to hear from you right now and if you really want to be stubborn, I guess I really do have to take that answer from you. “

 

Akechi’s hands went back to Yusuke’s sweater, tugging at the edge before rolling it up, lifting Yusuke up so he could pull it off and toss it aside. Even though he admired Yusuke’s body, he didn’t let it show on his face. He could stand to eat a bit more but for someone so unathletic and unhealthy to even have the hint of muscles like that …. Akechi was almost jealous. Yusuke’s skin was the palest he’d ever seen, faint blue lines visible in multiple places the longer he looked. Freckles were faintly scattered over his skin but there were no visible scars or bruises save the ones on his throat where Akechi’s hands had been. 

 

“ Even if I bruised your skin here, you wouldn’t be upset, would you? “ 

 

He let his gloved hand run over the boy’s chest, across the plane of his stomach. Then he sat back, pulling his right glove off, the first removed long ago. Scars ran over his knuckles and across the back of his hand; a brand marked the middle of the skin there, something he despised from the moment he got it. He placed his bare hand on Yusuke’s chest, watching him make a sudden intake of air, eyes looking up to his own.

 

“  What? Think I’ll burn you or something? I’m afraid I’m not  _ that  _ toxic. “ 

 

He scraped his nails down Yusuke’s chest, over lightly defined muscles until it rested on his hip. Akechi watched grey eyes close, a quiet puff of air leaving soft lips. He let his fingers trace the boy’s hipbone, appreciating both the way it stuck out against his skin and the gasp he received in return for wandering hands. 

 

Yusuke looked like a model. Not only was his face attractive but his body was one some people would die for. His eyes were a unique shade, as well as his hair. He was pretty in a rather exotic way now that Akechi thought about it. And it only made him more upset that someone like that wanted to be at the mercy of someone like himself. 

 

“ Won’t you tell me what I want to know? Just tell me what you get from our arrangement. I’ve never touched you like this before so it can’t be pleasure. “ 

 

Yusuke pressed his lips into a flat line, shaking his head side to side, refusing to answer.

 

Akechi sighed, grabbing Yusuke’s leg, moving it so he could slide his knee between them, pressing up against him until he saw the boy bite his lip. A few teasing nudges had the artist lifting his hips to grind against that bit of pressure, small gasps leaving his mouth.

 

It was almost cute how Yusuke’s hands came up to cover his mouth, his brows drawing together as he squeezed his eyes shut. His movements were slow and awkward, like he wasn’t used to anything like this. Akechi moved to pull Yusuke’s hands down, clicking his tongue. 

 

“ Hey. That counts as hiding. Look at me, Kitagawa. I won’t tell you again. “ 

 

The command in the detective’s tone made grey eyes snap open, watching him attentively. 

 

“ Better. “ 

 

Akechi reached up to brush blue hair out of Yusuke’s face, both of his hands holding him there so he couldn’t look away. 

 

“ Tell me the truth and I’ll give you not only my reasoning for asking you here, but anything you ask of me. Isn’t that a fair trade? Tell me why you let me do this to you. “ 

 

Akechi’s tone was low and soothing now, as if he wanted to coax an answer out of the blue haired boy, not force it. But it didn’t matter because Yusuke only closed his eyes, shaking his head as best he could. He  _ couldn’t  _ confess when he knew it would go nowhere. There was no point.

 

If feeling gloved hands, that warm skin against his own throat, seeing those disgusted looks aimed his way as he coughed and heaved for air on the ground, if that was all the attention he could get from Akechi, then he wouldn’t be selfish and ask for anything more. It only made those occasional concerned looks, little grins, soothing touches to aching skin all the more sweet. If Akechi wanted to touch him like he was, then he’d let him. How could he explain any more than he already had? That anything Akechi wanted, he was okay with? Every time he said it, anger flashed in those reddish eyes and Yusuke couldn’t figure out why. Even when a hand dropped from his face to his neck, squeezing tightly, Yusuke didn’t push him away.

 

“ Do you always lie to yourself like this? Saying you don’t know why we’re here like this.  _ Damn _ you, Kitagawa. There’s no way you’re doing this all for me. “ 

 

Purposely, he dug his nails into pale skin at the shoulder, dragging his hand down the artist’s side until the boy arched his back, letting out a quiet groan. 

 

“ You like it, but you aren’t just some masochist. You don’t like being hurt for no reason, you just accept it. You said you like  _ me _ but that’s a lie. A boy who tries his best to be truthful lies to himself every day. It’s  _ more  _ than that and you know it. If that question is off limits, then what about this one? “

 

He paused, taking a moment to undo Yusuke’s pants just enough to slip his hand inside them, caressing him through the thin material of his boxers. Some sound that was a mix of a sigh and a squeak left lips that were split in two noticeable places, droplets of blood being wiped away by Akechi’s thumb. 

 

“ Why won’t you tell me what you really feel? You said it yourself that I haven’t killed you yet. I threaten it and,  _ god _ do I really want to sometimes, but I haven’t. “ 

 

If he was asking complete honesty from the artist, for some reason it only felt …. right if he offered up the same thing. 

 

“ I won’t. I can’t. “

 

That made grey blue eyes widen, his head tilting as much as the hand on his throat allowed. 

 

“ . . . What, what are you saying? Akechi. What does that mean? “ 

 

It wasn’t that the artist sounded  _ hopeful _ , oh no. But he was oh so confused, trying to figure out what it was Akechi was getting at. Akechi rolled his eyes, squeezing between Yusuke’s legs. 

 

“ What do I mean? You tell me, Kitagawa. Didn’t I say I don’t understand why you like someone like me? What makes you think I’d understand why I like someone like you? You piss me off more than anyone but  _ him. _ You’ve let me nearly suffocate you to death more times than I care to count. You look so fucking  _ happy  _ when we meet up and I can’t help but think you’re a fucking fool, an idiot for . . . hmph. just ‘liking‘ someone like me. “

 

Akechi sighed, slowly stroking the shaft in his hand, more teasing through the thin cloth than satisfying but that didn’t seem to matter to Yusuke. He bit his lip, not caring how many cuts he’d have if he kept it up. When had this turned into a moment for Akechi to confess feelings he’d buried in favor of not dealing with them? His goal was to make  _ Yusuke  _ confess, not this. Really, truly, honestly  _ damn  _  this kid. Making him feel things he hadn’t felt in years, since his last friend split ways when they graduated middle school. Since his mother died.

 

“  I hate you. “

 

The look on Yusuke’s face, it actually made Akechi feel like an asshole for a moment for enjoying it. That look of mixed hurt and surprise made him laugh. 

 

“ Don’t look so offended, Kitagawa. I haven’t felt anything close to this in years. You should feel proud of that, at least. I can’t . . . even be sure what name to put to it considering all the things I feel and have felt towards you these past few weeks. “ 

 

Akechi leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Yusuke’s for just a moment, looking him in the eyes.

 

“ To make someone like me feel like they might love you? You know who I am. What I am really. And I hate it. I hate you. I want to kill you for letting me do this to you, for thinking this is okay. It’s confusing and so fucking agitating and it makes me want to never call you again, to just part ways and forget about this deal of ours. But I always come back. Everytime I call and you sound so happy to hear me, knowing I just want to hurt you at some point. I hate it - but I won’t stop calling you out. I can’t. Don’t you understand what that means? “

 

Russet eyes stared into steely grey, for once not purposely empty but full of a myriad of emotions. 

 

“ Yusuke. Answer that question. “ 

 

It was like he snapped out of a daze, blinking up at Akechi, a frown forming a crease between his brows. 

 

“ I - I don’t understand. What would you come back to someone like me for besides the deal we made? I . . . don’t you know? You called me a liar but I never lied to myself and said I wasn’t falling in love with you. It wasn’t my intention that night . . . The only thing I lied about is thinking I’d be worth it. I’m not someone who deserves to be loved or to love anyone else. You wanted to know  _ why _ I let you do this to me ? “

 

Yusuke let his hand cover the one resting on his throat, looking off to the side. 

 

“ It’s simply because at least if I was really helping you out of a bad situation, I’d be useful in some way. I didn’t mean to start having feelings for you when I first made this deal with you. You just reminded me of something I could have been had I chosen to hang on to my anger and I wanted to do anything I could to help lessen that anger. And if you had accidentally killed me in the process, no one would have missed me. I wouldn’t have cared. I’m a nameless artist as of now, a nobody. Only known as the pupil of a man who didn’t deserve the years of my life that he stole . . . And barely even that. “

 

At some point while he was speaking tears had formed in his eyes, freely falling down his cheeks. Akechi blinked,  lifting his hands to Yusuke’s shoulders. It wasn’t really right to think Yusuke looked beautiful while he was crying, tears sticking to blue lashes that had no business being as long as they were. 

 

“ Yusuke. You know what kind of person I am. You know I like hurting people and don’t care how they feel about it. You’ve seen me, in fact, I’d say you  _ know  _ me at nearly my worst. You’ve been on the opposing end of one of my  _ worst _ sides. And you think subjecting yourself to that gives you  _ worth _ ? You think submitting to whatever I chose to do to you makes you more useful as a person? What the  _ fuck _ happened to you? What did that old man do to you? “ 

 

Akechi’s fingers had started digging into Yusuke’s shoulders and he whimpered, not even trying to shake Akechi off.

 

The detective loosened his grip almost immediately, instead reaching up to hold Yusuke’s face in his hands. 

 

“ Answer me, Yusuke. “ 

 

But the artist only shook his head, trying to twist out of Akechi’s grip. 

 

“ It, it doesn’t matter now - “  

 

Akechi dropped his hands to Yusuke’s shoulders again, shaking him roughly. For the first time it seemed like Akechi could see fear in those dark eyes before Yusuke turned his head away.

 

“ Don’t give me that bullshit answer, Kitagawa! What happened to you? “ 

 

“ I said it doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter because every little thing had its intended effect! It made me into the person you see right now. You asked why I let you do this? It’s because I’m not worth anything in the first place. I’m not someone you need to worry or care about hurting. Don’t you know no one really cares about me? About how I feel or what happens to me? “

 

Akechi was shocked enough that Yusuke was able to brush his hands off, twisting around underneath him, pushing him off so he could scramble to the opposite end of the couch. He wrapped his hands around his knees, curling up as much as he could while still watching Akechi. 

 

“ I’m a burden even to my teammates, too weird to really be friends with. Everyone has more important things to focus on than an overdramatic artist. And after recent events . . . my art has suffered terribly. The one thing I’m actually good at and I cannot even do it correctly anymore. And you, you want to know more than that, right? How I can’t, I cannot see any bright side to this situation. My art block, this slump I’m in, that is. For . . . months now. I don’t know how to fix it but when we’re together like this, I can focus on someone else’s problems. “

 

The artist curled into himself further, sniffling as he cried.

 

“ I can only be angry for so long. I was so . . . was so angry when I got away from Madarame and admitted to myself what had happened was wrong but that wore off so quickly once he confessed I just - I was left alone and to my own devices. And I - I just . . . came to realize that everything he told me all those years was true - “

 

Akechi reached out to Yusuke and he almost jumped back, looking off to the side. 

 

“ I’m sorry - don’t, don’t touch me right now. I can’t - “

 

“ Don’t apologize. I won’t touch you then. Can I at least sit next to you? “ 

 

It took a minute or two but Yusuke nodded eventually, not leaving his curled up state. Akechi scooted closer, watching Yusuke carefully as he let his legs rest over his feet. Yusuke looked so …. pitiful. For a moment it made him so pissed off he wanted to know everything that man had done, had said to this boy to make him this way. He didn’t care what confession the Phantom Thieves made him give, it would be all too easy to find that man’s shadow and kill it. Killing two birds with one stone, casting blame on that attic dweller and getting a sort of revenge for his friend.

 

There were very few people who deserved to feel like this and Yusuke wasn’t one of them. He was an idiot, surely, but not a bad person by any stretch of the word.

 

“ . . . You’re lost in thought again. Is it because of what I said? Don’t worry over what happened to me. It . . . Nothing you do now can change what happened. It just is now. Do you want to hear more from me? “

 

Yusuke looked up from his arms, his hands still shaking and his voice quiet. Akechi scooted just a bit closer and held his arms out. For several moments the two just stared at each other in silence; Akechi was finally about to drop his arms when Yusuke moved so that he was resting against Akechi’s side.

 

“ No. I don’t need to hear anything else. Not if you don’t want to tell. I’ll only get more upset anyway. That’s no good if I’m trying to calm you down, right? I’m bad enough at things like this as is. If I get pissed I’ll just make it worse. I want . . . I want you to feel better. “

 

Yusuke’s body seemed to relax against his side and Akechi wrapped his arm around him, pulling him closer. Again they sat in silence, not an awkward one but Akechi had opened his mouth to speak when Yusuke beat him to it.

 

“ Do you . . . really hate me? “

 

A question like that …. it was only fair if he answered truthfully. He brought Yusuke here to demand the truth from him, how could he lie to his face?

 

“ I feel a lot of things towards you. But don’t misunderstand me when I say that. Even if I do hate the way you make me feel, I care about you and . . . our arrangement enough to call you every time I feel upset. Or when I want your company. I told you not to expect much from me. Love isn’t . . . It’s not something I’m terribly familiar with. I really do prefer to be condescending. “

 

He could feel the boy in his arms tense up.

 

“ So for you, you only care about the deal I made you?That’s, that’s alright. I’ll still come whenever you call me. “

 

It wasn’t just in his imagination, that disappointment in Yusuke’s voice, was it?  Why did it make his chest hurt so much? He didn’t say anything for a while, just looking at the boy in his arms.

 

“ That’s not exactly true. I didn’t say I only cared about this thing we have. I said I care about you too. I can’t show that plainly but I wouldn’t lie about that. Not to you. “

 

Yusuke moved to look up at Akechi, frowning.

 

“ Why? Why do you care about me? If you won’t lie, then tell me the truth. Is this really why you brought me here? “

 

Akechi sighed and they were silent for a long while, until Yusuke patted Akechi’s cheek.

 

“ Don’t get lost in those thoughts of yours now. This is important. Almost as important as when you accepted my deal. “

 

The detective snorted, brushing Yusuke’s hand away.

 

“ To get a confession? Yes. That’s why I brought you here. I wasn’t planning to confess myself but you’re more hardheaded than I thought. As to why I care about you? I couldn’t answer that. I really . . . don’t know. Don’t take that as a cause to doubt that I do because if I didn’t, I assure you, you wouldn’t be on my couch right now. I wouldn’t worry about accidentally killing you one day. I might not like these feelings but I do have them. Because of you. “

 

He sighed, squeezing his arms around the artist.

 

“ If there’s something you should feel proud about, make it that. Don’t think letting me hurt you makes you important. I hate that he made you feel that way . . . But still. It’s not true. “

 

There was another stretch of silence, Yusuke moving to hide his face against Akechi’s chest. A few moments later, little sniffles could be heard and Akechi lifted the boy’s face up, frowning.

 

“ Why are, why are you crying? Did I say something wrong? “

 

Yusuke shook his head slowly.

 

“ Not . . . not at all. I think, I think I’m happy I just can’t . . . make them stop. “

 

Yusuke motioned to his eyes, trying to smile. It resulted in an expression that tightened around Akechi’s lungs, making it hard to breathe. For a second he had to wonder if this was how Yusuke felt with his hands around his throat. Did his heart feel this heavy when he was choking him?

 

Were his thoughts this scrambled? Akechi preferred order. The way Yusuke was making his head run in circles, he hated it. He really did. It went against so much of what he built of himself. And yet . . . He pulled the boy closer to kiss him again.

 

Some part of him heard the surprised gasp that turned into little giggles. But mostly he thought about how it felt like he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe but . . . it was alright. He’d be fine because it was only Yusuke. This boy . . . he was making him, of all people, feel weak. 

 

He reached a hand up to rest against Yusuke’s throat, breaking their kiss. He should hurt him for that. Could kill him for putting him in a position like this . . . But those eyes. They were innocent and trusting that Akechi wouldn’t take it that far, no matter how much he wanted to.

 

What was he supposed to do with something like that? This boy was so stupid to put a decision like that in his hands. Yusuke said he didn’t care if he died or not. Yet every time they met up, he, quite literally, put his life in the detective’s hands. Akechi sighed, just running his thumb along the marks on Yusuke’s throat.

 

Akechi adored how it made him take a deep breath, leaning closer and tilting his hand back further. He . . . couldn’t resist poking fun at him for it. 

 

“ You’re still a pervert, Kitagawa . “

 

The words were followed with a soft smirk and Yusuke’s fist came up to hit him right in the center of his chest, eyes narrowing.

 

“ I am  _ not, _ stop saying that - “

 

Akechi leaned forward to kiss his cheek, to run his hand down Yusuke’s chest and settle over the front of his pants.

 

“ This is saying otherwise. This entire time, you’ve just been enjoying this, huh? “

 

Yusuke huffed, biting his lip and shaking his head.

 

“ No! That’s not it at all! I just - you’re just - “

 

Yusuke stuttered for a moment and Akechi sighed, taking pity and lifting the hand from his throat to the boy’s mouth.

 

“ You don’t have to explain. I’m  _ teasing  _ you, relax, Kitagawa. “

 

Akechi couldn’t help laughing at Yusuke and how his eyes narrowed in irritation. He yelped out when Yusuke bit his hand, which he immediately snatched away.

 

“ Ow! What the hell, Yusuke! “

 

“ You’re the one that covered my mouth! “

 

“ That doesn’t mean you  _ bite _ me, jeez - “

 

He wiped his hand off on his pants, just staring up at Yusuke for a moment. Yusuke stared back, trying to glare, but it turned into more of a pout as Akechi leaned closer to kiss him. This one was completely soft, nothing more than lips pressing together and Yusuke was the first to pull away, resting his head on Akechi’s shoulder.

 

“ . . . Thank you. “

 

“ Hm? What for? “

 

“ For . . . for this. Being close to me like this and not looking disgusted. “

 

Akechi sighed, wrapping both his arms around Yusuke’s back.

 

“ You’re such a mess. You aren’t disgusting to me because you like being close like this. If I don’t like it, you’ll know. “

 

Yusuke just sighed and nodded, relaxing against the older boy. Akechi was trying to be nice, he got that.

 

“ Still, thank you. “

 

Yusuke lifted his head to kiss Akechi’s nose, resting their foreheads together.

 

Akechi just blinked, staring at Yusuke’s closed eyes. Could Yusuke hear his heartbeat? Akechi really hoped not. Something so simple was so embarrassing just because  _ he _ did it. This boy would be the death of him if he kept it up. That thought scared Akechi for a moment but he just closed his eyes, running his hands along Yusuke’s back and sides.

 

A little gasp made him open his eyes, raising an eyebrow at Yusuke.

 

“ . . . Don’t look at me like that. It just feels . . . nice. “

 

Akechi smirked, rubbing his fingers into Yusuke’s spine. It was amusing to watch his ears turn pink as he bit his lip. He moved his hands higher, pushing his thumbs into Yusuke’s shoulder blades, just admiring how such simple things had the boy closing his eyes, softly calling Akechi’s name and leaning back into his hands.

 

Oh, damn him. Really. He didn’t even know what he was doing to Akechi.

 

“ . . . Yusuke. “

 

Akechi had moved his hands to rest on the boy’s hips, waiting for him to open his eyes and answer.

 

He did a moment later, just tilting his head in confusion.

 

“  . . . What is it? “

 

He reached up and brushed some hair back from Yusuke’s face, trying to read the boy’s expression.

 

“ If you keep saying my name like that, I’ll just have to bend you over the couch and fuck you until you’re saying it louder. “

 

He’d said it in a low, teasing tone and watched a flush spread from Yusuke’s ears to halfway down his chest. The poor boy opened his mouth to speak before just looking away, a noticeable shiver running through his body.

 

Oh. He’d really just been teasing but a reaction like that . . . 

 

“ Oh, you’ve never done that before, huh? “

 

“ That’s - that’s not it - “

 

“ Yusuke. Look at me. “

 

The blue haired boy shook his head and tried to slide out of Akechi’s lap. But Akechi was having none of that, holding his hands tighter around Yusuke’s hips and pulling him up against his chest.

 

“ Look. At. Me. “

 

He shook his head again, trying to hide his face against Akechi’s chest.

 

The detective sighed out.

 

“ Alright, I asked nicely. “

 

He got a solid grip on Yusuke’s hair near the back of his neck and pulled until Yusuke’s face was looking up.

 

A choked whimper left his throat as he looked to Akechi, biting down on his lip.

 

“ See? That wasn’t hard at all. “

 

He smoothed his fingers over Yusuke’s scalp.

 

“ Would you like that, Yusuke? What I just said? Do you want to spend the night here, letting me please you like that? “

 

How did Akechi just ask something like that with such a straight face? He’d been teasing a few times but to just. Say it out loud like that . . .

 

“ I - I wouldn’t be opposed . . . “

 

Akechi frowned.

 

“ I need a yes or a no, Kitagawa. I don’t want you to just let me because I want to. “

 

Yusuke looked off to the side, his mind wandering off to other things. Surely this wouldn’t be the same. He already felt so different than he did back then . . . 

 

“ I . . . I said you can. That isn’t enough? “

 

Akechi moved his hands to Yusuke’s shoulders.

 

“  You said I can, not that you want me to. I was going off of your reactions earlier but that’s . . . not the same. Not that I know how you feel now. You were being stubborn but I want you to cooperate for a bit. “

 

Yusuke just closed his eyes, wrapping one of his hands around his chest.

 

“ Does it, does it even matter what I say? Why wouldn’t you just do it anyways? It’s obvious I like it . . . “

 

Akechi tilted his head, pressing his lips into a line as he watched Yusuke wrap his arms around himself, as he listened to him speak. He didn’t want to use a detective’s tone with him but . . .

 

“ Yusuke. Can you look at me? “

 

The boy just shook his head.

 

Akechi sighed, smoothing one hand down Yusuke’s back and hating how it made him flinch.

 

“ Then can you talk to me? “

 

He was unresponsive for a moment before just shrugging. Talk? What did he want to talk about? Did he notice something was wrong? That was probable, with him being a detective but . . . Why did he sound like he cared without hearing a word from him? 

 

A shrug was better than a no and there wasn’t an easy way to break into this. Akechi sighed, trying not to let his voice get too cold and professional.

 

“ Why did you ask that? If it mattered what you said? Did someone tell you it didn’t? “

 

Akechi had a feeling he already knew what Yusuke’s answer was going to be and he wanted nothing less than to shoot the shadow of whoever hurt this boy.

 

“ I - “ 

 

He wanted to speak up and say some actual words but he couldn’t. They clogged up in his throat, making him cough and hold a hand over his mouth. Here was someone asking him to talk about what had happened. But it’d been so long since it happened, so long he was told he couldn’t tell.

 

Akechi smoothed his hand up and down Yusuke’s back again. He could wait for him to speak up.

 

Yusuke just dug his nails into his arm, nodding once.

 

Akechi tried not to dig his nails into Yusuke’s skin. He dropped the hand on his waist, balling it into a tight fist.

 

“ Did Madarame tell you that? “

 

Yusuke shook his head quickly. 

 

“ It - it wasn’t him! I mean . . . he - He told me I couldn’t tell but - “

 

Yusuke covered his mouth again, trying to curl himself up. He’d just blurted that out, not meaning to say a thing.

 

Akechi waited patiently, frowning.

 

“ Okay. Alright, Yusuke. Who was it then? “

 

Yusuke’s throat tightened up and he shrugged. He bit down on his hand before taking a deep breath and talking slowly.

 

“ One of . . . one of the other pupils . . . He was as old as you are now. “

 

He wanted a name. If he got a name he could go into the Metaverse and find him.

 

“ . . . Do you remember his name? I’m sorry to ask, but as a detective, I’d like to know it. “

 

Yusuke bit the inside of his cheek and nodded, whispering out a name that Akechi filed away in his head for later.

 

“ Could you. Could you tell me what happened? You can take as long as you need. There’s no rush here. “

 

He wanted to kiss his forehead but settled for grabbing one of Yusuke’s hands and rubbing a bit of warmth back into it.

 

“ I - I have to say? What are you going to do if I do? “

 

Akechi sighed, lifting Yusuke’s hand near his mouth so he could puff air onto it.

 

“ I’m a detective, Yusuke. I can get him arrested. “

 

That’s not what he was going to do, but Yusuke didn’t need to know that little detail.

 

“  . . . Arrested. The police never brought it up when they seized Madarame-sen . . . Madarame’s belongings. He. He kept the recording of what happened. It was the boy that made it but he blackmailed the both of us with it. He said he’d spread the video around if either of us tried to leave or didn’t keep up with our work . . . “

 

Yusuke twisted his hands together and scratched at his arms until Akechi pulled them apart.

 

“ So, among other things he used that incident to make sure you wouldn’t leave him? “

 

Yusuke nodded.

 

“ I was fourteen and - It’s already so hard to create an image as an artist . . . Everyone knowing I liked boys like that - Even if I said otherwise, that recording would be taken as proof. And I’d never be able to live something like that down - Not, not ever - so I always made sure to try not to miss quotas. Even when . . . even once that boy left, the video was still held over my head. I don’t know what happened to that boy when he left . . . “

 

Akechi pulled Yusuke against his chest, sighing out in relief as the boy relaxed after tensing up for a moment.

 

“ As. As for what he did. He just. He used to sneak around and kiss me, he did that until I was more comfortable around him and one day he - he . . . “

 

Yusuke felt bile rising in his throat but swallowed it down, taking a few moments before he went on.

 

“ He decided to take things further even though I said I didn’t want to. He said I did though because I was . . . reacting to the things he did. I didn’t . . . he wouldn’t listen even though I felt sick and it wasn’t nice at all like some of the older students said it was supposed to be. I just - I . . . He said - that . . . “

 

Yusuke covered his mouth again, crawling off of Akechi’s lap to head to the kitchen, throwing up in the sink and crying out. Akechi followed after him, trying to hold his hair back and turn the hot water on.

 

“ Hey, hey. You’re okay now. “

 

He ran his hand along Yusuke’s back, a nasty, inky anger festering at the back of his head. No way was he going to let that boy just get arrested.

 

“ You don’t have to keep going - “

 

“  N - no! I - I’ve never told anyone all this . . . Can I - can I just finish? “

 

What could he do but nod for Yusuke to continue.

 

Yusuke cleared his throat, hating how it burned and made his stomach turn.

 

“ He told me that’s what I deserved for thinking about boys like that. That this is what it would feel like. And that everyone else would think I was disgusting for enjoying it. I really  _ didn’t  _ and I - I don’t know why my body kept reacting like I did . . . That’s - that wasn’t my fault, right, Akechi? It - that doesn’t make me disgusting? You don’t think I’m disgusting right? “

 

Yusuke was crying, looking to Akechi for comfort.

 

He was so far out of his league here. He knew how to deal with victims as an officer but . . . this was so much more personal. His chest hurt so much thinking about what Yusuke had to deal with these past couple of years.

 

“ No. Hey, that’s a lie. Just because your body reacted to what he was doing . . . That’s not the same as you liking it. You aren’t disgusting and whatever he did to you isn’t normal. Yusuke . . . “

 

He held his hand out and let Yusuke take it before pulling him against his chest.

 

“ Nothing that happened to you would ever make me think you’re disgusting. You didn’t have any control over what happened. “

 

He squeezed Yusuke tighter against and and felt arms wrapping around his back.

 

“ So that’s . . . that’s what you asked for? There’s . . . there’s a difference between . . . what, what he did . . . and what you were asking me about ? “

 

Akechi lifted his head towards the ceiling, letting out a heavy, broken up sigh before looking back down at Yusuke.

 

“ I’ll never do that. I choke you because you let me but I wouldn’t do that to you. I don’t care about the confessions we gave today, if you don’t want to do anything like that in the future, tell me now. “

 

They stood there in each other’s arms for several silent minutes.

 

“ . . . Let’s just. Say I said it. Was fine. For you. Because I . . . didn’t mind what you did earlier. Because I . . . really like you. “

 

Akechi sighed out, running a hand over Yusuke’s head.

 

“ I’d need you to tell me anytime you felt uncomfortable. “

 

They stood there silently a bit longer until Yusuke pushed back from Akechi, looking over at him

 

“ What if I said I just trusted you? “

 

Akechi stared at him with wide eyes.

 

“ Then I’d call you a fucking fool. How am I supposed to know whether you’re just entertaining me or actually into what we were doing? “

 

Yusuke moved back to Akechi’s bathroom, washing and rinsing his mouth out. He sighed, folding his arms before just wrapping them around himself.

 

“ If I wasn’t, for whatever reason . . . You’d stop? And you wouldn’t be angry? “

 

Akechi was leaning against the doorway, just nodding once.

 

“ I said I wouldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t do it to anyone with a face like mine, but that’s a little besides the point, hm? Whatever we decide to do, if you want to stop, you let me know. And that’s it. I won’t be angry, I might seem like it but I won’t be. Would you like me to cross my heart? “

 

Yusuke rolled his eyes, chuckling despite himself.

 

“ That’s not necessary. I’ll take your word for it. Thank you . . . For, for listening? And. And for not. Blaming me. I appreciate it, Goro. “

 

The detective looked up, hearing his first name.

 

“ I’m a detective, it’s my job. You don’t need to thank me for it. “

 

Yusuke just shook his head, stepping closer and taking Akechi’s hand, just holding it against his chest.

 

“ No, I do. There were officers who didn’t care. The ones who searched and confiscated all of his belongings never called me in or asked questions about it. I’m . . . glad. That you listened. It does mean a lot. More than I can say. “

 

Akechi listened, trying not to get lost in his thoughts. Yusuke was cold. But what he was saying was far from it. He was almost less angry at the whole thing knowing it was a small step towards Yusuke feeling better. But even a sentiment as sweet as that couldn’t completely dissolve that seething anger he wasn’t letting show. 

 

Yusuke squoze Akechi’s hand.

 

“ Are you really thinking that hard, Akechi? “

 

“ Hm? Apologies. I  _ was _ listening, really. I’ll tell you again not to worry about it. “

 

Yusuke sighed, pinching the back of Akechi’s hand.

 

“ That offer? From earlier? About me staying the night? Is that still valid? “

 

Akechi shrugged.

 

“ Is that what you want right now? “

 

Yusuke tilted his head, thinking for a while before nodding.

 

“ Yeah, yeah I’d like that, I think. “

 

Akechi pushed himself out of the doorway, motioning to his entire apartment.

 

“ Then feel free to stay. I have something to go take care of. I’ll be back shortly, you can watch after yourself until then, yeah? “

 

Yusuke nodded, watching Akechi go to grab his attache case and tan overcoat. He hung around the counter as Akechi grabbed his keys, the detective looking over at him. He sighed as he passed, reaching out to hold Yusuke’s cheek, giving him a short kiss before moving to the door.

 

“ You’re like a puppy. Stay put, take a nap. I’ll be back before you know it. “

 

Yusuke nodded and waved, to which Akechi nodded before closing and locking his door.

 

A nap . . . after everything, that did sound nice. When he sat on the couch, not even his head could keep away the wave of exhaustion he let himself fall under.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really, really just wanted to get this out for the new year. At least it’s something for the thirsty people that like living in this desert. I tried to deliver, please enjoy.


End file.
